


trying hard to let go (it comes and goes in waves)

by intothenowhere



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/M, Fusion of Star Wars Legends and Disney Canon, Implied/Referenced Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-30
Updated: 2018-08-30
Packaged: 2019-07-04 10:18:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15839232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intothenowhere/pseuds/intothenowhere
Summary: Poe Dameron is no stranger to death - but after seeing so much of it, he's having trouble believing there's a reason for it all.





	trying hard to let go (it comes and goes in waves)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [angstlairde](https://archiveofourown.org/users/angstlairde/gifts).



> Happy Birthday, Kaz! I can't believe it's been what? A year now we've been friends? Our paths have crossed so many times before we actually started talking, and I am glad the universe put us on the same path. You're one of my best friends, and I look forward to all our future shenanigans, awful angst ideas, and our journey as writing buddies.
> 
> I naturally went with Damerey, because what other ship could I write for than the one you dragged me into with your amazing writing.
> 
> Happy Birthday, my love, and I hope you enjoy your fic!

Poe scrubbed at his eyes as he dragged his feet back to his quarters. It'd been a day full of meetings with the new leaders of the Resistance - Finn, Connix, Mara Jade, and Lando Calrissian to name a few - as they tried to come up with new sources for supplies. Mara and Lando had vouched for Talon Karde, shot down Connix’s suggestion of a pirate named Hondo, until Lando and Mara got into an argument over the validity of a crime boss named Qi’ra, and the meeting was dismissed.

 

But they were running out of options and resources with every passing second - and then there was the trouble of their current lack of a base. They were travelling on a recently acquired star destroyer from the Clone Wars - good in theory, except that it malfunctioned more often than the  _ Falcon.  _

  
  


It was times like these he longed for Leia to be there with them - and not just as a spirit in the Force (the first time she appeared to him, shortly after the funeral, he fell off his couch). She would know what to do - and, sure, Lando and Mara were amazing leaders, with gods knew how many resources and connections due to their varied pasts, but…

 

It wasn't the same.

 

Poe reached the door to his quarters, which opened with a soft hiss after he punched in the key code. He stepped inside, and was met with the sight of Rey curled up on his couch, wearing a pair of plain pajamas that he suspected originated from the medbay, her legs pulled up in front of her, a holopad in her lap, with a now cold cup of cocoa beside her on the coffee table.

 

It surprised him - it wasn't often she took time to herself. She was often in one of the gyms training with her staff, or meditating in one of the quieter hallways. The last Jedi sitting on his couch reading a book was a sight so foreign to him that he wavered on the spot, until a smile split across his face, genuine and warm, and the worries of the day slipped away. Often he wondered if Rey somehow used the Force so that people would relax around her. 

 

He toed off his shoes, then dropped a kiss on the top of Rey’s head - an act that still made him giddy, the fact that he could do it, despite it becoming a regular occurrence since they'd gotten together - and said, “Whatcha reading, sunshine?”

 

Rey tipped her head back, pulling him down for a proper kiss, before answering, “Finn recommended me some history books to read - said it was ‘important to know where we come from.’” 

 

Poe nodded - it was no secret that Finn had become quite knowledgeable about the history of the Rebellion. Poe was fairly certain Finn knew more about the Galactic Civil War than Lando and Mara combined - and they all fought in it.

 

“Anything in particular?” Poe asked, moving to shrug his jacket off to hang it up. “Battle of Echo Base? Jakku?”

 

“No, it's about a squadron who originated in the Empire - switched sides after the Battle of Endor. The Inferno Squad, have you heard of them?”

 

Poe froze - oh, he knew them. More than just by name. Iden and Del had become friends with his parents after the fight for Naboo, where Iden had flown with Shara Bey and General Organa to stop the Emperor from getting his last laugh and slaughtering  _ thousands _ on his own home planet.

 

He’d known their daughter, Zay, her entire life.

 

Gone to Iden and Del's funeral with his father.

 

He swallowed thickly before answering, “Yeah, yeah I've heard of them.”

 

Rey noticed the change in the pitch of his voice, and frowned. “Heard of them, or…?”

 

Poe turned round and shrugged, “Iden Versio was friends with my mom. They met on Naboo, after she and Del Meeko switched sides. I knew them.”

 

Rey bit her lip, glancing at the holopad. He knew from the look on her face that she knew the book wasn't going to end on a happy note.

 

“What happened to them?”

 

His face fell, thinking of a pale faced boy with dark curls laughing with him, Zay Meeko, Jacen Syndulla, and Halcyon Orrelios -

 

_ A dark mask standing before him, arm outstretched, and a pain like Poe had never known, like every part of his brain was on fire, memories slipping and fading - and the monster watched mercilessly, as if Poe meant nothing to him, as if they’d not grown up together - _

 

“Kylo Ren happened,” he answered finally, and just like that the bubble of peace seemed to pop around him, a shroud of darkness replacing it - like the war had personally arrived at his door to remind him of everything and everyone they'd lost already. “Killed them both.”

 

A hand on his shoulder. He hadn't even heard her  _ move _ , he needed to get her some noisier shoes -

 

“Look at me,” Rey whispered, hand on his cheek, and he did - saw the pain in her eyes, realized once again she’d read him like a book. It unnerved him, the way she could tell when he was -

 

“I'm sorry,” she whispered, like it was her fault. Like she'd personally been there that day, and failed to stop Kylo. 

 

“No,” Poe said softly, pushing back a loose strand of hair out of her face. “No, there was nothing to…” he sighed, knowing it was a lie. Plenty of things could have been done to prevent Iden and Del’s deaths. Poe tried again, “‘All is as the Force wills it,’ right?”

 

His voice was tight - and he knew he was clinging to that belief. That there was a reason for the losses, that they held  _ meaning,  _ even if he didn't fully understand it. The universe had just decided it was their day - that their stories would end on an unfinished chapter.

 

But death was death, Force or not. Sometimes there  _ was  _ no reason for it, and often those deaths were the toughest to wrap your mind around because it isn't  _ fair.  _

 

Rey’s face crumbled for half a second before she schooled it into a neutral, albeit watery, expression - and she nodded. “Yeah,” she whispered, and he knew it was a lie, knew she was trying to comfort him, but he was so  _ tired -  _ he sighed, let his eyes droop close.

 

“Poe?”

 

He opened his eyes, “Yeah?”

 

She was studying him carefully, like the way she poured over her Jedi texts, fully absorbed and in awe of what was before her. It made him feel self-conscious, and he wondered how he ever got so lucky as to be loved by someone as kind and fierce as Rey -

 

She opened her mouth, faltered, then surged forward, capturing his lips with her own, and the bubble returned, filling him with warmth from the top of his head, all the way to his toes. It was like she was breathing  _ hope  _ back into him, and with each slide of the lips, he felt the weight fall from his shoulders.

 

He heard someone - him, her, he couldn't tell - whisper  _ I love you  _ in between breaths, voice deep and ragged from kisses, and she tugged him forward, back towards the couch.

 

As they fell forward, his back hitting the firm support of the couch, he thought about the Force again, more distractedly this time, though - perhaps it was by the will of the Force that Iden and Del had died, or perhaps it was simply a mishap that could have been avoided if one thing had been done differently. No one could ever be sure.

 

But there was one thing that was certain to him - the Force had brought Iden and Del together, just as it brought him and Rey together.

 

And maybe for right now, that was enough.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> title from Dean Lewis' "Waves". Feel free to send me requests on Tumblr (@dekeshaw) if you want!


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